what do you do for someone who doesn't really want to celebrate their birthday? Would you respect their desire and not mention it, or do you feel obligated to give them a gift anyway? Do other family members make you feel obligated to give a gift so you won't receive flack from them for not bothering another relative?
It depends on how well you know them. You could send them a text and maybe a bottle of wine or something simple like chocolates. I would respect their wishes too, I know when I hit a milestone, I didn't want to celebrate and a friend insisted on coming over and I tried to turn them away. Don't make a fuss and keep it low key.
There could be good reasons why someone may not want to celebrate their birthday. A traumatic event on their birthday, in the past, for example could make them desire to leave the memories buried in the past. If that's so then to avoid complications you shouldn't buy this person a gift. Wait. Get them a gift later in the year if you must. Such issues wouldn't concern me though — I get to save the money anyway.
Obviously, I respect the wish of someone who doesn't want to celebrate his/her birthday, but it won't stop me from calling them, or even paying them a short visit with a box of cookies and some artisan coffee or chocolate. So far, I've never been turned away but was always received with a smile. I understand that not everyone likes the fuss around birthdays and some don't like to be reminded about their age. But the majority of those people will enjoy your company on their special day, as long as you don't mention the dreaded word.
I would just call to let them know I was thinking of them if I do not go by to visit. If they do not want a lot of attention given to them on that day it is their choice. As far as the relatives that have something to say about how I handle it, I try my best to not pay any attention to them or what they have to say.
I'd most likely call or send a text a few days before the dreaded event and tell them, "I won't make a fuss over your birthday, but I'd love to take you out for coffee/lunch/ice cream/whatever sometime next week, if you'd like." That way, you offered, but it's their choice. You acknowledged the birthday, without forcing them into anything. The ball is in their court.
I've come across this situation on a cuple of occasions and always thought it was because the person in question was feeling out of sorts. So I've always offered to treat them to coffee/lunch on another day instead, just as Zyni has suggested, without any mention of birthdays at all.
I would always respect their wishes because obviously they feel that way for a reason. They might never tell you why though. I would send them a card or a message online just to let them know that I am thinking of them. Not everybody likes birthdays. Some people get really depressed when birthdays roll around.
I recently had this situation with a friend, who had made it abundantly clear she didn't want to celebrate her birthday. Some of her other friends knew this but then started plotting to throw her a surprise party as they wanted to party! I didn't agree with it at all and told them I wouldn't be party to it. But in the end only one of them turned up for the "surprise party". just shameful, really. I think the best thing is to respect their wishes and maybe take them for a coffee or something, with no mention of the dreaded birthday.
I am one of those people, kind of. I do accept gifts largely because I know it makes people feel good to give them (and I might be a little bit greedy, haha) but what I like is for people not to mention it’s my birthday. Just to pretend it’s a random gift or something. Which isn’t too difficult, since my friends and I do exchange random gifts throughout the year.
-and you have every right to feel that way, LeopardJones! Nobody should make you feel guilty about that, and people close to you should be understand you stand point. I just don't see the sense in a friend or family forcing someone to celebrate their birthday, when it clearly upsets them. It's actually selfish of people who do that because I think it's more about them than their loved one. It just seems very insensitive, too!
I feel like it depends upon the situation and the transparency that exists in the relationship between the potential gift giver, and the person whose birthday is coming up. If I had felt that one of my loved ones truly did not want to have their birthday celebrated, then I wouldn't buy them anything or even mention it if that was what they needed from me. People tend to get too involved, thinking that it is about the other person, when really it is all about making themselves feel better about the situation, despite that not being what heir loved one truly wants.
I’m very lucky, most people in my life are pretty understanding about my feelings. Partly because their feelings towards birthdays are similar to mine, haha. My birthday is also within a month of Christmas, so it’s easier to pretend I’m just having an extended Christmas celebration. So it’s rare that I feel guilty about not wanting to celebrate my birthday. I do agree, if someone insists upon forcing me to celebrate, I think it’s a bit self-serving. Kind of like, “Oh, look what a good person I am!” They might even have good intentions, but you know what they say about good intentions…
LeopardJones and Dreeklass, I certainly agree with you both, it's a self serving gesture more than a selfless one! I would actually feel offended and very upset that even having made it clear, my so-called friends would insist on celebrating my birthday. My friend was very upset and actually miffed that her friends would go behind her back to do this, and even then managed to botch the whole thing up. It was just a disaster LOL
That's not a huge issue for me. If they don't want to celebrate their birthday, then that's fine with me. I'll just keep the cash and spend it on myself, haha. Sometimes, people jokingly ask the celebrant to give them a "blow out", and that can be annoying.
I do hope your friend is able to laugh about it now. If something like that happened to me, I know I’d be pretty upset at first too, so I do feel for her there. But it’s something I’d be likely to find hilarious in hindsight. Eventually, anyway. At the very least, it would be quite the story to tell later on!
I wouldn't mention their birthday, but I would invite them to spend some time together and go out to eat, and I would let them choose the day. You never know, maybe someone they love died on their birthday, so you have to be respectful and sensitive.
Hehe she does have a very good sense of humour and does find it hilarious. Unbeknownst to her, there was a lot of wrangling behind her back over the whole sorry mess, and when I told her about and how I counted myself out of it, through to the surprise non-party where only one friend turned up, she found it very funny in hindsight. I couldn't believe it when a couple of them actually came out and said they hadn't had a shindig for ages, a clear sign that it was never really about our friend LOL
Hahaha, shameless much! It’s good to know she can have a laugh about it, though. Because yeah, it was clearly all about their wants rather than hers, and that’s on them. Ah, people sometimes
